leaving my job

i wrote this next excerpt, more of a stream of consciousness, in an email i sent to a couple of friends. it came at a time of stress for me, which is currently enduring. my job has recently told me i can't recontract for my third year as i had originally planned and hoped to do. japan's economy has taken a swift flight downwards in the last few years or so, and now, niigata ken cannot maintain my position in it's budget. the opportunities i've been afforded because of this job have truly been amazing in the truest sense of the word. and i'm not nearly finished with japan. as difficult as living overseas has been in certain aspects, it absolutely pales in comparison to the benefits. i am currently in the process of considering my options for the immediate and far future; i'm feeling an internal pull to make some kind of blueprint for the years ahead. now's the best as ever to think about it, considering the upheaval and overturn in my head, job, and location. going into effect immediately, i must find another position quickly if i don't want to lose out on any options or positions. i have until july 25, 2006 to work at my current high school, but mentally, my job is already ending. to be on the receiving end of the information came as quite a shock. the bewilderment period didn't last so long, and now my thoughts have been relegated to sadness and discomfiture. i look at my students, and i think that i won't see them next year. i won't see them graduate. i won't see the new ichi nen sei students through their first year of high school. i'm leaving after the first term; i will teach my students in the new year from only april to july, 4 months. it deeply saddens me to think an era in my life is ending; i'm already mentally prepping myself. whereas it's exciting as well to be commencing upon a new journey, that phase in my brain hasn't begun yet. i'm still just trying to wrap my head around the million, zooming thoughts racing around in my mind.

begin email:
>> i gotta a lot of love, and life is funny. what the hell is each year going to unfold for me? it's exciting, in fact, so exciting i can indisputably barely wait. it seems like i'm counting the days forgetting to enjoy the current ones i have. grasping and desperately holding on to the future, where i have money is sometimes such a mean, horrid tease i can't hardly stand it. i keep telling myself, a couple of more months a couple of more months. well, a couple of more months has finally landed and for once i'm going to get to indulge in my full monthly paycheck. i've found that i want money in life to enjoy myself socially like i like and want to. i want money to travel, be with people and be with those people drinking my favorite cabernet wine, partying, going to bars, taking their picture, and dining for hours over good conversation and food. to enjoy the lust of full paychecks just in time to get the boot from my job; hopefully i'll have a new job at that time. i prefer in my current setting not to think about it too much as it brings stress and unhappiness. it doesn't jive with my existent perfect situation, i won't go into all the factors that are making this delicate balance happen, but it's too much of a shame to have gotten this heavy piece of information recently. i seem to have found myself in sort of transparent bubble, where until now had been disguised. it makes me want to thrash out in my true american core; we like to pretend we get out and live a life of internationalization, but to be born to a country automatically enslaves you to its fundamentals, ideals, and habits. as japanese-y and shocking-to-some-of-my-friends-from-back-home as i may act sometimes, i am my mother country's child. i want to run outside on the streets, yelling and drinking - wild with life and drunk on air and libations. get me into a culture that won't mind my behavior and superfluously insert their domineering ways like a thick layer of honey on my outerself. my life will end here, japan is not my country, and these are not my people. albeit i am reminded almost everyday that i am not one of them, brains quickly forget what's up and what's right if it's in the same trench for a while. not even a trench but situation. i will never be one of them, as it was, i always knew that, but to be reiteratively reminded of that anew is refreshing. my convictions aren't wrong, they're just different, so it goes. this stress in my life is a bump in my smooth recent non-rollercoaster. as going with the current mantra and conscious i've been trying to employ in my most recent adult years, this will be yet another adventure i will embark upon that i will hungrily eat alive. i like to say i'll eat it alive and if only i was that strong. i will learn from it and take those experiences with me to add to my always molting, melding form. add another layer. i will try to indulge in this stress and turn water into wine. <<>

ganbarimasu.